Do you sometimes have trouble understanding exactly what your girlfriend means when you meet or speak with her? Don’t worry, the following is a funny and irreverent translation designed to let you comprehend the nuances and sub-plots of her discussions.
Fine and dandy. We’re all decent individuals. This is an honourable aim. Let’s shake on it. But remember one thing. This is the same woman who had been angry when you praised the waitress for her great service at dinner the other night. You remember the one, she had been more or less double your age and three times your weight. Yet your love was troubled. She could not understand why you’re so impressed with this girl -“this brazen floozy” were her words, really – that answered perfectly to your every whim for three hours.
If she had been ruffled by that incident, will it really be such a fantastic idea tomorrow to tap on the shoulder and being completely honest, because that is exactly what she wants, is not it? As for that strange tingling feeling you get in your gut every time her sister Sue walks into the area, maybe it will be better to keep that to yourself regardless of how many secrets she would like to share. Fortunately, she’s not actually interested in this sort of information when she’s talking about “honesty”.
Keep in mind
What she wants is that you don’t hesitate to tell her how lovely she is, anytime you want, evening or night. In terms of anything negative, keep that to yourself, please. Wouldn’t it be nice if this were true? And would not it be nice if your staff always won? And money grew on trees? And pigs could fly? Alas, we must stay in the real world and in the actual world she’s as likely to be resistant to jealousy because she is to have wings or laugh at your jokes all of the time. In her head, jealousy is a fantastic quality.
It’s the most effective practical evidence of her deep affection for you. How it also means no woman is allowed to come within a few hundred yards of you for fear of her life isn’t her intention, only a convenient by-product. If you are still naive enough to think that her in this domain, at least try the waters by artificially contriving a test before finding yourself in a real life situation. Arrange for her to see you with coffee in some personal romantic cafe with a few old girlfriend that you’ve grown somewhat tired of anyhow.
That way, if your current squeeze does go berserk and pour a bottle of water over your “ex’s” mind, definitively destroying the connection forever, nothing much will be lost. The tragedy is that even if your beautiful passes this test, you should not assume too much. It can mean nothing! For all their failings, girls are in reality often uncannily astute when it comes to figuring out which girls are a threat and which are not.
She’s been at the library or supermarket or dry cleansers or hairdressers or the fitness center, for goodness sake, and struck up a conversation with a few passing male and he’s looked her in the eye and said,”What’s the weather like outside?” That’s what this is all about. He’s asked her opinion. He’s sincerely desired to know what she thought – only about the likelihood of rain, of course. But the subject does not matter. What counts is that he’s paused from his busy schedule, from picking up his frilly pressed tops or wiping the perspiration off his heaving chest between sets or anything – and focussed his attention on her. You never do this, obviously. Well, not in the way he did. A different tone of voice. No baggage intended. The world filled with promise. It was so refreshing, so uplifting. Whereas with you, well, it’s always the same old thing, is not it? Solution? Voice lessons perhaps? Or even take up singing. Whatever will help her notice that the next time you ask her a question that is what you’re doing – asking her a question. Soliciting an opinion. Actually, maybe forget the voice. Sometimes bold initiatives are called for. This might be awkward but it’s sure to receive her attention. This is comparable to her saying I”like” all types of food. It seems positive, a quality, something to respect her for. Something that you feel great about. What happens when you give her something a bit unusual to consume, like puppy, monkey or snake eyes? Suddenly you realise that her”liking” does not carry much weight. This is bad, definitely. But at least it is not the worst. At least not overtly. And in certain relationships, this could rely for a significant positive thing. Still, it’s a lethal phrase since it gives no comeback. Since she does not mean what she’s saying – because she means that she does not”like” you – nothing which you can say will matter to her. Whatever do you do this time? Punched a doorman? Stripped naked in the road? Now that would be “obvious”. Something you could expect to have verified with strong physical evidence. Perhaps even photographs. As you would in a court of law. But this is not court. This is a connection. And there are not any laws. So”obvious” in this case means some small infraction that just her super sensitive radar might possibly pick up. There’s absolutely not any use asking your friends if they saw you doing anything wrong. And no use asking hers either – they won’t have seen anything but will side with her. Among the conditions of belonging to this Females of the Universe’s Union of Offence Finders. In terms of the offence itself, do not try to think of everything you may have done – fastened your seatbelt until she did hers, given a cripple on the tube a chair she desired, whatever. For once, she does not need to talk. Funny that, is not it? If the subject is her or the two of you doing things together or a birthday gift for some remote 105 year old aunt or how”nice” it is to paint the sitting room pink, she’s rearing to go and prepared to stay up half the night chatting. But as soon as it’s something which matters, something virtually life threatening – such as a programme you would like to see or a game you want to visit or whatever the harm is that she’s done to your cell phone memory or PC hard disk – she acts like verbal communication is valuable, in a premium. That it needs to be saved. Suddenly she reacts as though it is a dangerous thing. Like starting to laugh at a sacred location. Or making sound in a war zone. A word too many there or here and tragedy might ensue. But it is so tough to quell the flames, is not it, when you know that you’re right – for once, at least – and that if you let it go now, it is going to simmer and stew inside you, driving you mad for months. Yet in case you do go on about it, then she’ll nail you to the wall for being petty, for refusing to proceed. Sadly, she has you and there’s probably no choice for you but a couple of hours out with a partner or two reviewing the circumstance. At least you can rely on their wholehearted support in this instance. Undoubtedly, they have been there. At the risk of sounding pedantic, everybody has a relationship with everybody else on earth. You have a relationship with the person – male or female – that sells you a newspaper in the morning, travels the road with you to work, sees you quitting for a drink on the way home, or dies in the shadow on the other side of earth. It might not be a deep relationship but it’s a relationship nonetheless. No man is an island, remember. She, however, is talking about something more special. Something which involves terms such as”spending some time together”, telling her she’s”beautiful” even when she looks her worst and helping with the washing up after dinner. You understand very well that other things are more important to a relationship. Like sharing your ideas on who will win the Premiership. Pointing out to her in detail how easy it’s to resolve a carburettor. And letting her have the last word now and then. What more could any woman seriously expect? If you gave , what would be left of your self? Alright, quite a lot really. But life would not be so straightforward. And this is where customs get tough. She won’t believe you have one unless you’re always upping the ante, adding a new wrinkle, doing a bit more than yesterday. It’s like the freshener at a bathroom – it’s always being depleted and requires attention. This should not be as frightening as it seems. Sometimes she is going to be happy by things you actually need to do.